Real Sh*t Said By Comedians

Sometimes comedians say some real and funny shit. Okay, I know they gotta be funny, but some of the material sticks with you. Don’t act you don’t know this already, some people recite and recall comedy just like they do the latest Lil’ Wayne rhymes. For me personally, there are some lines that comedians have said that are always popping up in my mind. Here are my top three favorites:

Comedian: Chris Rock

From: Never Scared (DAR Constitution Hall in Washington, D.C. 2004)

With the primaries going on right now and the country showing their early alliances for presidential candidates, I’ll start out with a political quote by Chris Rock:

[kml_flashembed movie="" width="425" height="355" wmode="transparent" /]

“The whole country has a fucked up mentality man. We all got a gang mentality. Republicans are fucking idiots. Democrats are fucking idiots. And Conservatives are idiots. And Liberals are idiots. Anyone that makes up their mind before they hear the issue is a fucking fool okay. Everybody’s busy wanting to be down with a gang; ‘I’m a Conservative, I’m a Liberal, I’m a Conservative…’ It’s bullshit. Be a fucking person. Listen; let it swirl around in your head, then form your opinion. No normal decent person is one thing okay. I got some shit I’m conservative about, I got some shit I’m liberal about. Crime, I’m conservative. Prostitution, I’m liberal.”

Every time someone gets mad at me for not claiming allegiance to a political party, I think of this quote.

Comedian: Dave Chappelle

From: Dave Chappelle: Killin’ Them Softly (Lincoln Theatre in Washington, D.C. 2000)

Racism is a terrible thing; we all should know this. But even though we have come so far in 2008, there are still instances in my life where I find myself amazed by the blatant of racism still in America. When this happens this Dave Chappelle quote pops up in my head:

[kml_flashembed movie="" width="425" height="355" wmode="transparent" /]

“Have you ever had something happen that was so racist, that you didn’t even get mad? You was like, ‘God damn that was racist!’. I mean it was so blatant you was, ‘Wow’. Like it didn’t even happen to you it was like a fuckin’ movie. Like you was watching Mississippi Burning; ‘Wow’. That happen to me, I was in Mississippi. I was in Mississippi doing a show and I go to a restaurant to order some food. And I say to the guy, ‘I would like to have…’ And before I even finished my sentence he says, ‘The chicken!’ I couldn’t believe it. I could not believe that shit. This man was absolutely right. How did he know that I was gonna get some chicken? I asked him, I said, ‘How did you know that? How did you know I was gonna get some chicken?’ He looked at me like I was crazy, ‘Come on buddy, come on buddy. Now everybody knew soon as you walked through the god damn door, you were gonna get some chicken. It’s no secret down here that blacks and chicken are quite fond of one another.’ Then I finally understood what he was saying and I got upset.”

So funny, yet so true.

Comedian: David Cross

From: Shut Up You Fucking Baby! (Portland, Oregon & Atlanta, Georgia 2002)

Ha, you thought it’d be all black comedians did you? Shit, I’ve been down with David Cross ever since Mr. Show on HBO. This quote is kinda an inside with me and King Jerm (as well as David Cross fans). It involves the incorrect use of the word “literally”:

Download: David Cross – “Literally” (Note: Sorry, I couldn’t find any video)

“You know one of the things I can’t stand; one of my like pet peeves is people who misuse the word literally. That drives me up a wall because when you misuse the word literally you are using it in the exact opposite way it was intended. When you fuck that up, you fuck it up so bad. Its not like a little goof. You should stop using the word forever until you fucking figure it out. It’s like ‘Dude man, let me tell you the funniest story. I was really fucked up the other day and I was hanging out with Jeremy and we were both super fucked up. And we went back to Jeremy’s apartment and we split this bar of Zanax. Then he put on that Viking hat, you know the one he won in Vegas, and he started dancing around. Dude it was so fucking funny, I literally shit my pants.’ What’d you do with your pants? ‘What’re you talking about?’ No, you said you literally shit you pants. What’d you do with your shitty pants? ‘Naw dude, I didn’t really shit my pants, I literally shit my pants. You don’t get it at all’”